All the beautiful sky pictures I have been posting these past few weeks and the beautiful comments from my fans got me to stop and think why am I so passionate about life? Why am I so passionate about helping others? Why am I so passionate about photography showing how beautiful life is through my pictures? Why is this passion so strong it’s hurts at times? As I sat down and wrote this post.. I remembered.. and I hope this will light a candle in your soul to remember your passion, to remember your soul’s journey and to honor it!!
I remember the sweet comment from one of my fans back in December when I posted a picture of my Christmas tree… “Sometimes I think God gave you a little extra Lidia, when he made you.” It made me smile… And I replied.. Indeed He did.. He gave me something extra special both ways… the very creative mind, the sensitive spirit to help others, the gift of just putting colors together and so many other wonderful gifts… but He also gave me so many tears, so many tragedies in my life, he gave me a little girl with so many medical conditions that I am scared at times to look in the future and I live my life one day at a time and enjoy her every single day like it was my last day, He gave me a place to call home always far away from my family, He gave me a lot of days in the hospital where I felt so alone and so forgotten by everybody, so desperate, so scared, He gave me a body that when I look in the mirror I cringe at the view that looks like there was a masacre field on my body, He gave me a marriage that didn’t work out and I had to learn to be my best supporter, my best admirer, my only person to believe in myself, He gave me a childhood filled with so much internal pain and fear that even to this day those memories are so fresh in my mind and if I could paint, there would not be a single detail that I would miss from those times.. And it’s true God did give me something extra when He made me… but He gave each one of us something extra special…
Most days it’s so much easier to hide that extra special, it’s so much easier to just pretent we are alive, to just go with the flow and not stop and think about how to use that extra special? Why did we come here? What’s our soul’s journey on this earth?? I know for me it was so much easier back then.. Yes the pain inside was too much for words to describe, yet who cares about that, nobody sees my inside anyway.. so why worry?? Just wake up, go with the daily routine, try to ignore that deep crying pain that comes from your soul, go to sleep and tomorrow is another day.
I remember I was 33 when I really thought, well there is nothing I will ever do with my life. I will just stay home, raise Isadora, than get a small little job in a store and there life will be over and why bother with anything. I can’t make a difference in this world anyway.. I am way too small. But deep inside, my soul was burning with a passion, a passion to inspire others, a passion to do something that will get others from their pain, a passion that has been haunting me since I was 6 years old. I remember picking a book that had way too many words for me to read, but it also had a few pictures.. A few pictures with children in other countries that were poor. And in my mind as a child, even though we were so very poor ourselves… I said to myself, One day I want to go and help those children. I get tears in my eyes thinking about that moment. But that was my soul speaking to me, and we can ignore a lot of things in our lives, but the deep burning desire coming from within our soul is hard to ignore..
As much as I wanted to lie to myself I knew that my life couldn’t just stop there. It was painful to get up in the morning and put a smile on my face and be present with Isadora, when 2 months ago, I just flew back to Romania to see my dad for the last time, this time not as the strong 58 year old business man he was. This time it was just his lifeless body that I saw. I remember sitting by his lifeless body, and watching about 6 strong people trying to lift my brother’s wheel chair to fit through a door and I was so confused… so confused.. How can this happen all at once?? I am fighting breast cancer, my brother almost died in a motorcycle accident and now at 31 he was in a wheel chair, my dad has passed away all of a sudden because of a strong virus… how can that be??? The pictures are so crystal clear how my brother was trying to reach out of his wheel chair to see my dad’s lifeless body.. I wasn’t sure how to align my feelings of pain in order and which pain to feel at that time…But there was no order, there was no time to prepare my soul for one pain at a time.. I had to embrace all that pain and hurt.. all at one time. Oh and how I thought I will not be able to survive another day… with a heart that felt that it was just too much to handle..
I did not have any desire for pictures, for art, and actually my pictures from that time when I look back are very lifeless. No color, no tone, no beauty, just deep sorrow. I had to fake it for while, to get myself to read something encouraging, to listen to songs that would give me some hope that things will be better, that will make me feel that I am alive. At first I was just numb, then I became angry, but after I let myself feel all those feelings, I became passionate about life. A passion that is hard to explain, a passion that almost hurts at times to just keep inside and not share with others. I became committed to not be a victim, but rather embrace my past, embrace my pain, embrace my journey and use it in ways to I help others come to life, help others see the beauty in life when everything around us crashes.
I will share more of where my journey took me next, on how I was so close to quitting so many days… yet each day, I would find one little piece of hope that I would hang on so so tight. I wish I had somebody to hold my hand during those times.. I think it would have made the journey a bit easier, a bit faster, but looking back from where I am today, I am glad I walked that journey all by myself. It gives me strength and courage to know that I can walk any other journey that my soul is here to embark on.
Not sure how many of you will read this message, but even if just one person will read this and if my words will make sense to them and encourage them, my heart will be full. Because it takes one person to make a change in this world, and then it becomes like a domino effect. I will share in more detail one day how I started on my photography journey.. but it was because the encouraging words of one stranger on Flicker that commented on my picture and said.. Beautiful work my friend. Can you picture how those words affected my life? Do you think I would be sitting here knowing all I know about photography, having so many followers that I so want to inspire, had it not been for those kind words from a stranger? Can you imagine the difference you can make in your world today? We really don’t know who reads our posts, who will ever come in contact with what we put out there on our facebook pages, on our websites, but if we don’t even worry about how many people we are impacting, or that our words have no power as we are just one simple person, if we just let our soul lead us in the direction of our journey… than MIRACLES will happen!!!
So for all you beautiful women out there, that are questioning so many things about your beautiful selves, about your beautiful beings, here is poem one of my fans shared with me and I am so honored to have the privilege to share it with you.
I Made Her Because I Love Her
I made her…She is different,
She is unique,
With love I formed her in her mother’s womb.
I fashioned her with great joy.
I remember, with great pleasure, the day I created her.
I love her smile,
I love her ways,
I love to hear her laugh,
And the silly things she says and does.
She brings Me great pleasure.
This is how I made her.
I made her pretty and not beautiful,
Because I knew her heart,
And knew she would be vain…
I wanted her to search out her heart,
And to learn that it would be
Me in her
That would make her beautiful…
And it would be Me in her
That would draw friends to her.
(1 Peter 3:3-5)
I made her in such a way,
That she would need Me.
I made her a little more lonesome
Than she would like to be…
Only because I need for her to lean and depend on Me…
I know her heart, I know if I had not
Made her like this,
She would go her own chosen way
And forget Me…her Creator.
I have given her many good and happy things
Because I love her.
(Psalm 84:11, Romans 8:23)
Because I love her,
I have seen her broken heart…
And the tears she cried alone.
I have cried with her,
And had a broken heart, too.
Many thanks to Rachel Vanoven for this beautiful capture!
Many times she has stumbled
And fallen alone
Only because she would not hold
So many lessons she’s learned
The hard way.
Because she would not listen
To My voice…
And now she is Mine again…
I made her, and then I bought her…
Because I love her.
I have to reshape her and remold her…
To renew her to what I had planned for her to be.
It has not been easy for her,
Or for Me.
I want her to be conformed to
This is the high goal I have set for her,
Because I love her.
(2 Corinthians 2:14)