My Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it,
when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity,
you stop dead in your tracks
and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…

Enough fighting and crying and blaming
and struggling to hold on.
Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum,
you blink back your tears
and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

For the past few months with courage in my heart I have learned to create my own new life. It was about a year ago when there was no end to my pain, when I felt like everything around me was crumbling, when I felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper into my pain and could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, when I was so confused about the direction my life was about to go… and during those dark moments of my life… I asked for help not for me but for Isadora.. from a holistic doctor. But somehow the conversations always came… HOW ABOUT YOU LIDIA…. First I was annoyed… WHAT ABOUT ME????? WHO CARES!!!! PLEASE DOCTOR… THE TIME IS TICKING… HEAL MY DAUGHTER!!!! But then she said something that I have never heard before… You see Lidia.. she said… If I heal you… I heal Isadora.. you and her are connected.So healing Lidia is not selfish, taking time for me was not selfish… because through me somehow Isadora would be healed. I was pretty desperate, a born skeptical I should add… I agreed with that theory.. Nothing else seemed to work.

So the healing journey began… I had no idea what was about to come from this whole new experience.. My mind kept telling me… This can’t be real.. this can’t work… But when my hip that I am suppose to have surgery and have it replaced somehow miraculously quit hurting at the first visit…(even deep down I was determined to just lie and say … oh it’s not hurting anymore:))… But the pain was sooo intense that I could not even lift my hip… so when the hip miracle happened, I gave in and said.. I have tried soooo many things up until now, my pain is sooo deep, I am so scared about Isadora, I don’t know where my life would go from here, what direction to go… SO LET’S DO THIS:)

The Let’s do this part will have to be saved for another blog post, or two or three or even more. It’s a hard, full of tears but also full of peace journey. And even though my journey is far from over… I can proudly be here today, read this poem and replace the YOU with the I.

Forever grateful for an inspiring spiritual teacher, life coach, holistic doctor, friend, DR RACHEL that took me from ashes to the beautiful soul that I am today..

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change,
or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.
You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming
and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world,
there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter)
and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you and in the process,
a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect
and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are …
and that’s OK.
(They are entitled to their own views and opinions.)
And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process,
a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you)
and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean
or mean what they say
and that not everyone will always be there for you
and that it’s not always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own
and to take care of yourself and in the process,
a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers
and you begin to accept people as they are
and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process,
a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself
and the world around you,
is a result of all the messages and opinions
that have been ingrained into your psyche.
You begin to sift through all the junk you’ve been fed
about how you should behave,
how you should look and
how much you should weigh,
what you should wear and where you should shop
and what you should drive,
how and where you should live
and what you should do for a living,
who you should marry
and what you should expect of a marriage,
the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.
You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing
and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown,
or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process,
you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive
and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing
and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity
are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era,
but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything;
it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing.
You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility
and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry
and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love.
Romantic love and familial love.
How to love,
how much to give in love,
when to stop giving and when to walk away.
You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.
You learn that you will not be more beautiful,
more intelligent,
more lovable
or important because of the man on your arm
or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are
and not as you would have them be.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change,
so it is with love;
and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms,
just to make you happy.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10
and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head
and agonizing over how you “stack up.”

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside,
smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK
and that it is your right,
to want things
and to ask for the things that you want
and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love,
and respect
and you won’t settle for less.
You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you,
to glorify you with his touch
and in the process,
you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple.
And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect.
You begin eating a balanced diet,
drinking more water and taking more time to exercise.
You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear.
So you take more time to rest.
Just as food fuels the body,
laughter fuels our soul;
so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part in life,
you get what you believe you deserve
and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving
is worth working for
and that wishing for something to happen,
is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly,
you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction,
discipline and perseverance.
You also learn that no one can do it all alone
and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear
is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself.
You learn to step right into and through your fears,
because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear,
is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life
and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair,
you don’t always get what you think you deserve
and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people.
On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things.
You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers;
it’s just life happening.

You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state;
the ego.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger,
and resentment
must be understood and redirected
or they will suffocate the life out of you
and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to admit when you are wrong
and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful
and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted;
things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about;
a full refrigerator,
clean running water,
a soft warm bed,
a long hot shower.
Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself
and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself
and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind,
and you make it a point to keep smiling,
to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

with courage in your heart
and with God by your side you take a stand,
you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live
as best as you can.

Grateful to the author, Sonny Carroll, for such inspiring words!

Mira - May 10, 2013 - 10:45 am

A very beautifully written piece that truly touches my heart. Thank you so much for sharing more about yourself but also the journey in life of experience that many of us can relate to on so many levels. Bravo!
My very best your way.

Brita - May 10, 2013 - 6:25 pm

Best blog post ever. The pictures paired with the writings is so great. And a perfect description of the growing that you do in your 30′s.

audra - May 10, 2013 - 6:49 pm

wow….amazing to the core. just beautiful.

Candy - May 10, 2013 - 7:40 pm

Oh how I wish I had learned this in my 30s. Now, just shy of 60, I’m just beginning to understand all of this. I’m grateful it didn’t take me another 30 years. Thank you for sharing (and the art is tremendous).

Kim Vernon - May 10, 2013 - 9:09 pm

Just beautiful….. simply beautiful ♥

Nancy Wyatt - June 24, 2013 - 3:56 pm

Amazing. Simply Amazing! Thank you for sharing your words and your gorgeous photos!! Hugs from Conroe, TX

Jamie - July 24, 2013 - 6:49 am

Love this post. Love your work. We have gone the natural route in recovering my 4 year old from vaccine injury and autism. She was born at 11:11 and from that moment on – I knew she would be extraordinary. :)

Dana - August 11, 2013 - 12:28 am

Absolutely amazing blog and poem. My new daily affirmation at the right moment in my life. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. I just found you tonight, but will be a follower from now on. Blessings to you and your family from Tennessee.

Lisa - February 14, 2014 - 10:17 am

Just happened upon this post via I heart faces…and Wow…thank you so much for sharing your heart. It’s just such a lovely post, poem, writing and such stunning images! I just realized we live near each other! Would love to take you to lunch and have a chat! What a wonderful lesson in this poem and one I’m learning. Thank you.

Melissa Donaldson - March 6, 2014 - 10:20 am

I love this. Not only are you a beautiful photographer but you are a incredible writer. This is beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. Saying prayers for you and your daughter.

Lori - June 14, 2014 - 7:28 am

Wonderful! Exactly what I’m going through. Tough at times but rewarding setting boundaries. Sending love and hugs!

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